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The world

The world moves on
Wounds heal, memories fade
Once the present, now the past
trying to move along and focus
the world moves on, but when can i?


The China Doll

All these thoughts running wild in my head,

I hope they stop, but when'll be the time?

They suggest i'll feel better if i talk,that  things will be fine

People say they understand, they don't.

I know, if i even let go of the tiniest feeling i'll break , so i won't

That doll with the expressionless face

Cannot speak, cannot look away, cannot move

Not one tear is permitted to fall as there's nothing left to lose,

She may be made of porcelain, but the cracks are beginning to show

If she were able to move and speak, would she tell or would she go?

The girl lost within herself,

made a decision that should've been at the start,

Now from a distance she watches as her world falls apart,

Emotions uncontrolled, feeling tortured and mislead,

she thinks realistically would it be better if i were dead.


cotton buds, herbs and burnt toast.

this weekend has been very up and down.


i went out one day and came home ot find that my darling kitten had managed to get in the bathroom and split open the cotton buds and mauled them. [she's very crafty and has learnt to open doors] so i was not impressed with this.

sunday i couldn't sleep again so played sims 3 all night [love tihs game] and i caught sola coming off of the kitchen side, after chowing down on my basil plant - i spoke to the vet and fortunately it won't effect.


[Was awake for 32 hours at this point] i went to see the doctor about my inability to sleep half the time, and i feel it was a pretty useless trip. after listening to what my symptons are he suggested prescribing me antihistamines,... and i was like um they're anti allergy tablets, im not having an allergic reaction, his reply to this was they have a drowsy side effect which might help you sleep. i rejected this prescription, as i don't feel its appropriate to take medicine that is irrelevant to my issue. so he told me to see how not sleeping goes and come back in a month...... i already havent slept properly for nearly a month.....


Link was so nice to me last night, he knew i was upset about the doctors, he gave me lots of cuddles, then took me out and treated me to dinner at this diner called Rumblebellys. the food was amazing, it was so good i could of cried with happiness. After dinner we went home and i curled up in his lap, we put on 101 dalmations, but i didnt even make it through opening credits before i fell asleep. link woke me up at 10 and told me to at least stay awake an hour even though i was really really tired....... i lasted about 15minutes before i crawled back into bed...... even thought i slept all night, last night when i woke up i felt shattered and really didnt want to go to work.


work went pretty well today to be fair, me and jack ate sausage rolls and watched disney dvds. =]


this evening i had cereal for dinner coz i'm not hungry, in fact i've got a headache, and wouldnt mind taking a nap.

this evening me and link are chilling out [currently] with Monsters VS Aliens

favourite quotes:

The Missing Link: No monster has even gotten out of here.
B.O.B.: That's not true! The invisible man did.
The Missing Link: No he didn't. We just told you that so you wouldn't get upset.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: He died of a heart attack twenty-five years ago.
B.O.B.: NO!
The Missing Link: Yeah. In that very chair.
[motions towards an empty chair]
The Missing Link: He's still there.

B.O.B.: What happened to the " there isn't a jar in this world I can't open" stuff? Wait, did you really find a jar you couldn't open? What was in it? Were there pickles in it? Where's the giant jar of pickles?

Susan Murphy: [Fighting the robot] B.O.B.!
B.O.B.: What?
Susan Murphy: Help me!
B.O.B.: Sorry, I was just staring at this bird over there.

B.O.B.: [after catching Derek] Derek, you're a selfish jerk, and guess what? I've met someone else. She's lime green, she has 14 little chunks of pineapple inside of her, and she is everything I deserve in life! I'm happy now, Derek, without you. It's over!
B.O.B.: [to cameraman] Turn it off.

PS in case ya didn't catch on i love B.O.B :)



mmmmmmm cake ^^


Today i made a huggggggggggge cake =]

what you reckon??? it took me 7 hours to do, from start to finish........ it's chocolate and vanilla inside =]



Today i have a strange feeling in my gut, like i've been misplaced.
i'm very worried that my friend circle is falling apart. i'm getting a bit annoyed by how the hireachy/organise there priorities.

some of my friends put drugs and alcohol before friends, when others put boyfriends and sex etc.

and it's really starting to mess with my head.

i would take a bullet for my friends, if it came to it, as that's how much they mean to me.
but then they go and 'forget about me' or 'replace me' with something new.

and it's upsetting, it's like a little piece of me is breaking apart inside and i can't do anything to fix it. all the blu-tack in the world won't fix the damage this is causing.

all i want to do is be there for people, offer them my friendship and care, to help them be strong and support them in anyway that i can. but the ones i care about just keep on disappearing from my reach. and im losing my grip on how to deal with this now. 

i just wish i could reach those that've left me and help them, but i can't and it makes me feel somewhat useless.



feeling rather lost

life is really weird right now.

i've been having dreams that are reflecting on event that have happened or are about to happen involving people i know.
it's really weird and i don't understand it. its a bit like backwards deja vu :S

to start of with a few weeks ago i woke up and i was certain of several facts, which were later confirmed to of been established on a few days before.

i had a dream about a friend, being unhappy and wanting to run away, so i went with this person and travelled to a location that looked like a warped mixture of several places ive been to, and after walking for a while, i lost this person and couldn't find them.

the next morning i contacted this person and they said they had been feeling unhappy the night before.
that night, i had another dream and i was still searching for this person. its completely bizzare.

i know im sleeping well enough but since those dreams, i just feel exhausted and can't settle.
i have moments where i just feel completely lost.
or completely alone

i don't understand it at all.

sometimes i can't breathe either. i think im meant to pass out or something. :S

my guts telling me maybe i'm not meant to be around anymore, i don't know if its about this place or generally but i don't understand it. don't understand it at all. i'm so confused i can't handle it.